The downside of a “passionate” attachment is, of course, when there’s a need to detach.
One of the instruments I’ve found useful in helping clients reality-check this challenge is called the “Passionate Love Scale.” It was developed by psychologist Elaine Hatfield and sociologist Susan Sprecher some thirty years ago.
Instructions: Base each answer on a time when your feelings were most intense (as opposed to the point which drove your marriage to divorce). Every sentence will be answered with a number from 1 (not at all true) to 9 (definitely true). The higher the score, the more your feelings of attachment could be considered “passionate,” or, in the pejorative, “addictive.”
- “I would feel deep despair if _____ left me.”
- “Sometimes I feel I can’t control my thoughts; they are obsessively about _____.”
- “I feel happy when I am doing something to make _____ happy.”
- “I would rather be with _____ than anyone else.”
- “I’d get jealous if I thought _____ were falling in love with someone else.”
- “I yearn to know all about _____.”
- “I want _____ physically, emotionally, and mentally.”
- “I have an endless appetite for affection from _____.”
- “For me, _____ is the perfect romantic partner.”
- “I sense my body responding when _____ touches me.”
- “_____ always seems to be on my mind.”
- “I want _____ to know me — my thoughts, fears and hopes.”
- “I eagerly look for signs indicating _____’s desire for me.”
- “I possess a powerful attraction for _____.”
- “I get extremely depressed when things don’t go right in my relationship with _____.”
The lowest score is obviously 15. Survey authors Hatfield and Sprecher label 75 as “moderately” passionate, overall.
Off-Site References
“Addictive-style feelings of love can make unhooking a greater challenge” / August 21, 2019 / Michigan Divorce Negotiation (accessed August 18, 2024)
- “Measuring passionate love in intimate relationships” / December 1986 / Elaine Hatfield and Susan Sprecher / Journal of Adolescence (via Science Direct, accessed August 18, 2024)