An interesting discussion came up in my presentation for the First Presbyterian Divorce Recovery Workshop last night. [1]
“Getting Your Ex in Focus” is what their leadership had titled it when I first started with them in 2003. My goal is to provide both perspective and immediately applicable tactics for unhooking from one’s spouse or former spouse, and detaching from marriage.
“And everyone you need to do that is right here in this room,” I assure participants.
As is often the case, someone last night wasn’t so sure.
The argument was the same. Communications were now non-existent (well, at least in terms of transparent discussion of emotions and the Why? question). Surely after a marriage lasting x-number of years, some sort of debrief was deserved, right? Was I saying that there was no possible benefit in receiving an explanation of present actions?
Hard as it is to hear, the answers to those questions are “no” and “yes,” respectively; the footnote to the second one being, of course, that any “possible benefit” is more than offset by predictable risk and real cost.
Let’s put aside here for a moment those whose ulterior motives for such sit-downs are only to salve their own consciences and ascribe responsibility elsewhere. What do you expect them to say? Why should it have a bearing on the future direction you must set for your life after you’re divorced from them?
The sad reality is that divorce is an inherently unfriendly thing.
However justified one may feel in the reason, irrespective of who initiated the process, vows are being broken here. At best, what remains is a respectful business-like relationship, if anything, based solely on fulfilling financial obligations and, where children are involved, cooperative parenting.
That’s not the definition of someone to whom you’d go for counseling or grief therapy.
Moreover, they’re not qualified for the task. Bigger picture, think of what we’re talking about here: They hold some special insight into themselves and your marriage that you, yourself, are unable to find. What’s your basis for thinking them so bright? Who told you it was wise to form this dependancy, if not attachment to them for your answers? How does any of this serve the inevitable need for you to unhook?
Jesus asks why you “worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own?” Matthew 7:3, Luke 6:41.
Don’t think of this as a rebuke, but, rather, as a proscription for autonomy and self-determination. Have faith in yourself, as Jesus Christ has faith in you. Matthew 14:22-31.
You don’t need your ex to get your ex in focus.
Off-Site References
“… and what would you expect your ex to say?” / August 28, 2009 / Divorce Pastor (accessed September 7, 2024)
- First Presbyterian Church of Northville (accessed September 7, 2024)