This one is often a shocker for people.
But, as you can imagine, it’s a good thing for a divorce counselor, and especially a divorce mediator, to know. Things heat up. How long do you allow for them to cool off before you get back into discussions?
Relationship expert John Gottman, Ph.D., writes about this in his book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. He starts the basics: Hheart rate at rest for an average man is about 72 beats per minute (BPM), 82 for a woman. At about 80 BPM for a man or 90 BPM for a woman, he continues:
… physiological arousal makes it hard to focus on what the other person is saying, which leads to increased defensiveness and hostility. For either sex, if the heart rate skyrockets to 100 BPM, adrenaline is secreted in such large doses that it triggers a ‘fight or flight’ stress reaction, with intense fear or anxiety. [1]
Now, back to my opening question — and the reason why too many divorce negotiations hit potholes they otherwise could have avoided.
How long do you think it will take you to calm down? Many people guess about five minutes. In fact, it takes most people closer to twenty minutes for their physiological responses to return to baseline …. [Many] of us are surprisingly poor judges of our own heart rates. In fact, most people believe they have calmed down completely when their pulse rate is still a good 10 percent above their normal, resting pulse. It is easy to think you’ve settled down when actually you’re still riled up. Be sure to take your pulse before returning to the discussion.
There’s an imporant reason you should not return until you’re completely calm: a psychological phenomenon called the ‘Zillmann Transfer of Excitation Effect.’ Studies show that if you believe you have calmed down but are still physiologically aroused … you’ll channel your remaining physiological excitement toward duplicating whatever emotion is prevailing at the moment. [That defeats] the purpose of your time-out. [2-3]
This is all immediately relevant to divorce litigation as well. Think of how subject to manipulation and agitation might make you in, say, a deposition conducted by the divorce attorney your spouse has hired. Or in a stress-inducing custody evaluation. That’s not to mention cross-examination during an evidentiary hearing or motion on some other matter related to your divorce.
You’re not the only one to have this information, or to recognize how it can be leveraged to your detriment.
Off-Site References
“How long does it take to ‘cool off’ from an argument?” / August 26, 2019 / Michigan Divorce Negotiation (accessed September 9, 2024)
- Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last / June 1, 1995 / John Gottman, PhD (via Amazon, accessed September 9, 2024)
- “Excitation Transfer Theory” / November 18, 2017 / Psy343 Mini Lectures (via YouTube, accessed September 9, 2024)
- “Excitation Transfer Theory” / July 16, 2021 / 5MIweekly (via YouTube, accessed September 9, 2024)