Yes, Virginia— wolves in sheeps’ clothing can be found even in divorce mediations. [1-2]
Authors Ronald M. Shapiro and Mark A. Jankowski (with James Dale) expose the “strategically difficult” type of negotiator in their book titled, Bullies, Tyrants, and Impossible People: How to Beat Them Without Joining Them. [3]
These people are difficult because they think that being difficult works. They believe that they have empirical evidence that being difficult as a strategy is the most effective way to get results.
It’s one thing, of course, to be concerned that your spouse has brought in a hired-gun for divorce advocacy. Or that the claims of neutrality coming from your divorce mediator aren’t ringing true in practice. Here’s the reality check from Shapiro and Jankowski that you can use to validate concerns.
Higher Authority— Once a final decision is agreed upon (or seems to be agreed upon), the other side claims he or she lacks the power to make the decision really final or official.
Good Cop/Bad Cop— Two people are involved on the other side of a deal or negotiation. One acts like your advocate or ally while the other acts like your adversary, [both] manipulating you the entire time.
Take It or Leave It— This is the no-negotiation posture of ‘My first offer is my final offer.’
False Deadlines— The other side creates an arbitrary time pressure (seems real) in order to try and make you come to an agreement that may not be ideal.
Passive-Aggressive— In the midst of ‘dealing,’ the other person will stop dealing and shut down. It is a seeming sabotage of the deal with inaction, again aimed at getting you to accept less-than-optimal terms.
The Wince— You make an offer and the other person reacts with an exaggerated facial expression to get you to question the reasonableness of our offer. His face seems to say, ‘O my God, you must be kidding!’ or ‘You’re out of your mind!’
Silence— The other person simply creates ominous ‘dead space’ that may intimidate you into disclosing important information or even capitulating on a key point.
The Red Herring— The other side focuses on unimportant details (acting as if they are important) in order to divert attention from the real deal points.
Outrageous Behavior— The person on the other side is given to sudden, loud outbursts or other socially errant behavior — again, to take the focus off the real issues.
Nibbling— The deal seems to be set. Then the other side makes a small (so it seems) addition at the eleventh hour. Then another addition. Then another.
This is the first half of a list titled “The Top Twenty Tactics of Strategically … Difficult People,” from Bullies, Tyrants, and Impossible People. Before overviewing the second half, let’s take individual looks at some of the items above, exposing their unpleasant applications to otherwise honest attempts to peacefully resolve marital conflict and negotiate divorce settlements in good faith.
Starting tomorrow—.
Off-Site References
“Recognizing ‘strategically difficult’ opposition, part 1” / August 27, 2019 / Michigan Divorce Negotiation (accessed September 9, 2024)
- “10 Hard-Bargaining Tactics to Watch Out for in a Negotiation” / May 21, 2024 / Program on Negotiation, Harvard Law School (accessed September 9, 2024)
- “Unethical Negotiation Tactics: Are You Prepared for Dirty Tricks?” / April 29, 2024 / Program on Negotiation, Harvard Law School (accessed September 9, 2024)
- Bullies, Tyrants, and Impossible People: How to Beat Them without Joining Them / 2007 / James M Dale, Mark A Jankowski, and Ronald M Shapiro (via Amazon, accessed August 12, 2024)