Exodus 20 is immensely helpful in centering a Christian approach to divorce. Jesus Christ freed us from from our shortcomings here, of course. Romans 3:21-24. But “does this mean that we can forget about the law?” as Paul asks at Verse 31. Of course not. If someone claims, ‘I know God,’ but doesn’t obey God’s commands, that person is a liar and is not living in the truth. But those who obey God’s word truly show how completely they love Him. That is how we know we are living in Him. Commandment 8 reads: “You must not steal.” Exodus 20:15…. Continue Reading…
September 4, 2009
Many people post-divorce seem to feel compelled to say that they’re “still friends.” “Jonathan and David – Soul Friends,” is how The Message titles 1 Samuel 18. The text that follows begins with this paragraph. By the time David had finished reporting to Saul, Jonathan was deeply impressed with David — an immediate bond was forged between them. He became totally committed to David. From that point on he would be David’s number-one advocate and friend. Jonathan put himself at great risk for David, as we see, for example, in 1 Samuel 19:1-3. “A Covenant Friendship in God’s Name” compellingly… Continue Reading…
September 3, 2009
Every so often, someone suggests to me that “the Christian approach to divorce” is inherently negotiation from a position of weakness. They cite Luke 6:29-30 in particular. “If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.” The Quest Study Bible provides an interesting commentary to this point on page 1427. “In this context, Jesus was talking primarily about religious intolerance. When we are persecuted… Continue Reading…
September 1, 2009
Are you hiding behind anger? In a pamphlet on divorce for Lutheran Hour Ministries, Jean-Marc Daignault validates what I’ve said for some time. Anger, she writes, “can be a creative force. It can stimulate us to confront unpleasant experiences. It can motivate us to action.” As professionals helping individuals with divorce, we also see the downside that it portends for people, what they can bring down upon themselves by improperly or excessively indulging it. Anger “can be a way to hide from something we’d rather not face. For example, if a man can blame his ex-wife for the breakup of… Continue Reading…
August 31, 2009
“Divorce: Practical ways to cope with the anger, loneliness, guilt, fear of divorce,” is a 1993 publication of Int’l Lutheran Layman’s League, “Lutheran Hour Ministries.” Picking up on what I last wrote in this Blog, let’s take a look at something author Jean-Marc Daignault, Director, Care Associates, wrote for this free pamphlet. In a section titled “Emotion,” Ms Daignault relates a vignette about a woman named “Tricia” who harbors anger and resentment toward her former husband. “‘I think it’s because he’s so inconsiderate,’ she explained. ‘Yesterday, for example, was our youngest daughter’s birthday. She waited all day for her father… Continue Reading…
August 28, 2009
An interesting discussion came up in my presentation for the First Presbyterian Divorce Recovery Workshop last night. [1] “Getting Your Ex in Focus” is what their leadership had titled it when I first started with them in 2003. My goal is to provide both perspective and immediately applicable tactics for unhooking from one’s spouse or former spouse, and detaching from marriage. “And everyone you need to do that is right here in this room,” I assure participants. As is often the case, someone last night wasn’t so sure. The argument was the same. Communications were now non-existent (well, at least… Continue Reading…
August 27, 2009
Imagine the spiraling vortex of water as it drains from a filled bathtub. It’s an illustration I’ve hand-drawn simply with markers on whiteboards for countless counseling and divorce support group sessions. The analogy works like this. At some baseline point in a marriage, one spouse perceives the other to be contributing “less” to the marital dynamic. As a reaction, his or her partner then gives less from their side. But it’s tough to hit the line just right here: Invariably, respondent overshoots by some margin, withholding a bit more than what they perceived to have been withheld from them in… Continue Reading…
August 25, 2009
Many churches that offer Divorce Recovery Workshops believe that an important later step in healing for individuals is for those individuals to actually facilitate break-out group discussions for a program they, themselves, have previously attended. The question is, how soon? In my experience, the answer is the same as what research has found best in waiting to date: One to three years after entry of your Judgment of Divorce. And, no, it is not appropriate to count periods of separation or prolongued litigation against this as “credit for time served.” There are simply too many things on which the newly-divorced… Continue Reading…
August 20, 2009
Marital reconsiliation advocacy often cites Malachi 2:15 as a command. “Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His. And why one? Because He was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.” I believe this equally applies to wives regarding husbands. On January 28, 2008, Time magazine titled its “Annual Mind & Body Special Issue,” “The Science of Romance: Why we need love to survive.” [1-2] The lead article gets into chemistry and the use of functional magnetic resonance imagers (fMRIs) in… Continue Reading…
August 19, 2009
Among other things, marriage is a legal contract. Supporting documentation of this is kept by the government. The validity of a marriage in our society is defined by the government. And the government has a necessary and proper role in changing that status. Read, “divorce.” Government is involved in all sorts of record-keeping and association tracking. If you own property, that Deed is recorded. There’s a whole lot more to automobile licensing than the metal plate screwed to your trunk or back bumper. This needn’t confuse Christians who read 1 Corinthians 6:1 as an exclamatory in the New Living Translation…. Continue Reading…