Yes, Virginia— wolves in sheeps’ clothing can be found even in divorce mediations. [1-2] Authors Ronald M. Shapiro and Mark A. Jankowski (with James Dale) expose the “strategically difficult” type of negotiator in their book titled, Bullies, Tyrants, and Impossible People: How to Beat Them Without Joining Them. [3] These people are difficult because they think that being difficult works. They believe that they have empirical evidence that being difficult as a strategy is the most effective way to get results. It’s one thing, of course, to be concerned that your spouse has brought in a hired-gun for divorce advocacy…. Continue Reading…
August 26, 2019
This one is often a shocker for people. But, as you can imagine, it’s a good thing for a divorce counselor, and especially a divorce mediator, to know. Things heat up. How long do you allow for them to cool off before you get back into discussions? Relationship expert John Gottman, Ph.D., writes about this in his book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. He starts the basics: Heart rate at rest for an average man is about 72 beats per minute (BPM), 82 for a woman. At about 80 BPM for a man or 90 BPM for a woman, he… Continue Reading…
August 17, 2019
“I have seen advocacy evidence introduced in … divorce and child custody cases,” writes Richard J. Gelles, Ph.D., Dean of the School of Social Policy & Practice at the University of Pennsylvania. [1] I cringe every time I hear this, as I know it compromises the ability of the finder of fact to actually find the facts and make an evidence-informed ruling. Writing for Family Court Review, Volume 45, Number 1 (January 2007), he is concerned about the issue of domestic violence “becoming little more than ‘Nine Factoids and a Mantra.’” This refers to specific precepts, mind you, laying claim… Continue Reading…
August 19, 2009
Among other things, marriage is a legal contract. Supporting documentation of this is kept by the government. The validity of a marriage in our society is defined by the government. And the government has a necessary and proper role in changing that status. Read, “divorce.” Government is involved in all sorts of record-keeping and association tracking. If you own property, that Deed is recorded. There’s a whole lot more to automobile licensing than the metal plate screwed to your trunk or back bumper. This needn’t confuse Christians who read 1 Corinthians 6:1 as an exclamatory in the New Living Translation…. Continue Reading…
December 24, 2004
My uncle is probably getting ready to start his Christmas shopping right about now. From what he’s told me, it’s neither an avoidance nor a bargain-maximization thing. It’s an immersion process for him that feeds his Christmas Spirit. Divorced families will be adding miles to minivan odometers right alongside my dad’s brother, of course. I see from the Michigan Parenting Time Guideline, that nine o’clock tonight is recommended for these big holiday time parenting switches. [1] With a statewide Friend of the Court caseload of 697,506 custody matters, that’s reason enough for me to walk Mrs. Poyndexter’s Samoyed this evening…. Continue Reading…
December 21, 2004
Last Friday I received a letter from the Friend of the Court in Timbuktu County (I made that name up to protect the innocent, although all other details here are authentic). “So what?” you might ask. Given my profession, you could think it was commonplace. Or you could assume it was personal, having something to do with my own divorce. Nope. It wasn’t either of these. It was a “Notice of Order to Withhold Income for Child Support” — addressed to a business I haven’t run in more than 16 years. It had been mailed to the originally registered address… Continue Reading…