In the area where I practice, divorce mediators may refer to this as your “Last, Best Offer.” [1] One of the ways in which this is manifest is by opposing counsel: “If you want us to meet for a possible divorce settlement, you’d better come with your last, best offer.” Okay, so what are your options once you get there if these are the terms? They are inviting you to say, “Take it or leave it.” In other words, if you come in with your “last, best offer,” and at any point give concessions after discussion, then your position is… Continue Reading…
August 28, 2019
This is a tactic very commonly used to gain advantage in divorce negotiations. In my practice, we call it “Man Out of the Room Syndrome.” [1] Or, as Bullies, Tyrants, and Impossible People labels it, “Higher Authority.” [2] The game moves like this. Ostensibly serious divorce settlement negotiations are undertaken between the two opposing sides, sometimes facilitated by a divorce mediator. The impetus is on building momentum and getting a deal done. To that end, you’re encouraged to give hard, because, after all, progress is being made, we’re here anyway — or some other argument that encourages you to taste… Continue Reading…
August 27, 2019
Yes, Virginia— wolves in sheeps’ clothing can be found even in divorce mediations. [1-2] Authors Ronald M. Shapiro and Mark A. Jankowski (with James Dale) expose the “strategically difficult” type of negotiator in their book titled, Bullies, Tyrants, and Impossible People: How to Beat Them Without Joining Them. [3] These people are difficult because they think that being difficult works. They believe that they have empirical evidence that being difficult as a strategy is the most effective way to get results. It’s one thing, of course, to be concerned that your spouse has brought in a hired-gun for divorce advocacy…. Continue Reading…
August 19, 2019
Be careful when an organizational structure advocates co-anything as a leadership construct. Some divorce support groups favor co-facilitated discussions, typically led by one man and one woman (unaffiliated), out of a perception that this supports a better balance in participation and improvements via same-gender connect-ability. I’ve also seen divorce mediations similarly managed. In fact, all the better if the co-mediators have little if any prior experience in even working together before-hand. The argument is that this provides for a purity of direction, solutions more driven from the bottom up. Potential bias is minimized. But at what cost? Everything has a… Continue Reading…
November 19, 2004
“Harsh startups” — I avoid ’em as best I can, thanks to research from John Gottman. [1] That’s why the first session in my current Divorce Recovery Workshop started out with administrative and housekeeping items, just like all those before it. “Here’s my cell phone number for direct access between weekly meetings. Help yourself to beverages at any time during the presentation. If it’s dark outside when we close the meeting, I will walk you to your car….” Who could have seen that last remark as the humdinger it became this time? “How about if I walk you to your… Continue Reading…