The downside of a “passionate” attachment is, of course, when there’s a need to detach. One of the instruments I’ve found useful in helping clients reality-check this challenge is called the “Passionate Love Scale.” It was developed some thirty years ago by psychologist Elaine Hatfield and sociologist Susan Sprecher. Instructions: Base each answer on a time when your feelings were most intense (as opposed to the point which drove your marriage to divorce). Every sentence will be answered with a number from 1 (not at all true) to 9 (definitely true). The higher the score, the more your feelings of… Continue Reading…
August 12, 2019
An associate of mine who facilitates a divorce support group is also a “Friend” on Facebook. Last week, I was sitting-in on one of her get-togethers, to assist with a challenging participant situation. In her role as their facilitator, she weighed-in on a discussion with a rather personal story of her own at one point, to make an empathetic connection. By way of preamble, the facilitator said the details of what she would share were quite embarrassing, and portended possible legal consequences for the person specifically involved. So she wasn’t going to disclose the person’s name in this effectively public… Continue Reading…
August 10, 2019
My Grandma Deaton lived some four hours away when I was in college. At that time, I was not only a student at the University of Michigan, but I had long-prior been a full-time resident of Washtenaw County. Now that I stop and think about it, Grandma wasn’t all that keen on the fact that I lived here and she lived there. By the way, that’s exactly what I needed to do: Stop, and think about it. Furthermore, my perceptions notwithstanding, Grandma always thought that I was never truly “home” unless I was where she lived. She was demonstrably excited… Continue Reading…
September 4, 2009
Many people post-divorce seem to feel compelled to say that they’re “still friends.” “Jonathan and David – Soul Friends,” is how The Message titles 1 Samuel 18. The text that follows begins with this paragraph. By the time David had finished reporting to Saul, Jonathan was deeply impressed with David — an immediate bond was forged between them. He became totally committed to David. From that point on he would be David’s number-one advocate and friend. Jonathan put himself at great risk for David, as we see, for example, in 1 Samuel 19:1-3. “A Covenant Friendship in God’s Name” compellingly… Continue Reading…
September 2, 2009
Sometimes the distribution of research can be as important or more so than its source. In this case, I’m referring to statistics in a chart titled “Divorce cause,” that’s part of the Lutheran Hour Ministries (Int’l Lutheran Laymen’s League) pamphlet titled, “Divorce: Practical ways to cope with the anger, loneliness, guilt, fear of divorce.” Distributed free of charge to parishioners through local Lutheran churches, here are the statistics they provide male versus female perspectives. females males Poor communication 69.7% 59.3% Basic unhappiness 59.9% 46.9% Incompatibility 56.4% 44.7% Emotional abuse 55.5% 24.7% Money problems 32.9% 28.7% Sexual problems 32.1% 30.2% Alcohol… Continue Reading…
September 1, 2009
Are you hiding behind anger? In a pamphlet on divorce for Lutheran Hour Ministries, Jean-Marc Daignault validates what I’ve said for some time. Anger, she writes, “can be a creative force. It can stimulate us to confront unpleasant experiences. It can motivate us to action.” As professionals helping individuals with divorce, we also see the downside that it portends for people, what they can bring down upon themselves by improperly or excessively indulging it. Anger “can be a way to hide from something we’d rather not face. For example, if a man can blame his ex-wife for the breakup of… Continue Reading…
August 31, 2009
“Divorce: Practical ways to cope with the anger, loneliness, guilt, fear of divorce,” is a 1993 publication of Int’l Lutheran Layman’s League, “Lutheran Hour Ministries.” Picking up on what I last wrote in this Blog, let’s take a look at something author Jean-Marc Daignault, Director, Care Associates, wrote for this free pamphlet. In a section titled “Emotion,” Ms Daignault relates a vignette about a woman named “Tricia” who harbors anger and resentment toward her former husband. “‘I think it’s because he’s so inconsiderate,’ she explained. ‘Yesterday, for example, was our youngest daughter’s birthday. She waited all day for her father… Continue Reading…
August 28, 2009
An interesting discussion came up in my presentation for the First Presbyterian Divorce Recovery Workshop last night. [1] “Getting Your Ex in Focus” is what their leadership had titled it when I first started with them in 2003. My goal is to provide both perspective and immediately applicable tactics for unhooking from one’s spouse or former spouse, and detaching from marriage. “And everyone you need to do that is right here in this room,” I assure participants. As is often the case, someone last night wasn’t so sure. The argument was the same. Communications were now non-existent (well, at least… Continue Reading…
August 27, 2009
Imagine the spiraling vortex of water as it drains from a filled bathtub. It’s an illustration I’ve hand-drawn simply with markers on whiteboards for countless counseling and divorce support group sessions. The analogy works like this. At some baseline point in a marriage, one spouse perceives the other to be contributing “less” to the marital dynamic. As a reaction, his or her partner then gives less from their side. But it’s tough to hit the line just right here: Invariably, respondent overshoots by some margin, withholding a bit more than what they perceived to have been withheld from them in… Continue Reading…
August 20, 2009
Marital reconsiliation advocacy often cites Malachi 2:15 as a command. “Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His. And why one? Because He was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.” I believe this equally applies to wives regarding husbands. On January 28, 2008, Time magazine titled its “Annual Mind & Body Special Issue,” “The Science of Romance: Why we need love to survive.” [1-2] The lead article gets into chemistry and the use of functional magnetic resonance imagers (fMRIs) in… Continue Reading…