The downside of a “passionate” attachment is, of course, when there’s a need to detach. One of the instruments I’ve found useful in helping clients reality-check this challenge is called the “Passionate Love Scale.” It was developed some thirty years ago by psychologist Elaine Hatfield and sociologist Susan Sprecher. Instructions: Base each answer on a time when your feelings were most intense (as opposed to the point which drove your marriage to divorce). Every sentence will be answered with a number from 1 (not at all true) to 9 (definitely true). The higher the score, the more your feelings of… Continue Reading…
September 2, 2009
Sometimes the distribution of research can be as important or more so than its source. In this case, I’m referring to statistics in a chart titled “Divorce cause,” that’s part of the Lutheran Hour Ministries (Int’l Lutheran Laymen’s League) pamphlet titled, “Divorce: Practical ways to cope with the anger, loneliness, guilt, fear of divorce.” Distributed free of charge to parishioners through local Lutheran churches, here are the statistics they provide male versus female perspectives. females males Poor communication 69.7% 59.3% Basic unhappiness 59.9% 46.9% Incompatibility 56.4% 44.7% Emotional abuse 55.5% 24.7% Money problems 32.9% 28.7% Sexual problems 32.1% 30.2% Alcohol… Continue Reading…
September 1, 2009
Are you hiding behind anger? In a pamphlet on divorce for Lutheran Hour Ministries, Jean-Marc Daignault validates what I’ve said for some time. Anger, she writes, “can be a creative force. It can stimulate us to confront unpleasant experiences. It can motivate us to action.” As professionals helping individuals with divorce, we also see the downside that it portends for people, what they can bring down upon themselves by improperly or excessively indulging it. Anger “can be a way to hide from something we’d rather not face. For example, if a man can blame his ex-wife for the breakup of… Continue Reading…
August 31, 2009
“Divorce: Practical ways to cope with the anger, loneliness, guilt, fear of divorce,” is a 1993 publication of Int’l Lutheran Layman’s League, “Lutheran Hour Ministries.” Picking up on what I last wrote in this Blog, let’s take a look at something author Jean-Marc Daignault, Director, Care Associates, wrote for this free pamphlet. In a section titled “Emotion,” Ms Daignault relates a vignette about a woman named “Tricia” who harbors anger and resentment toward her former husband. “‘I think it’s because he’s so inconsiderate,’ she explained. ‘Yesterday, for example, was our youngest daughter’s birthday. She waited all day for her father… Continue Reading…
August 28, 2009
An interesting discussion came up in my presentation for the First Presbyterian Divorce Recovery Workshop last night. [1] “Getting Your Ex in Focus” is what their leadership had titled it when I first started with them in 2003. My goal is to provide both perspective and immediately applicable tactics for unhooking from one’s spouse or former spouse, and detaching from marriage. “And everyone you need to do that is right here in this room,” I assure participants. As is often the case, someone last night wasn’t so sure. The argument was the same. Communications were now non-existent (well, at least… Continue Reading…
November 27, 2004
Thanksgiving morning: A little more winter than fall, as this heavy-hearted dream was described to me. “Margaret” was walking to the front door of her in-laws’ house. Did I say in-laws? Former in-laws. She stopped to wipe the frost away from a window to look in. The dining room was familiar — warmly lit, table inviting. Yet there sat “the other woman,” in the chair Margaret had exclusively graced for 29 years. Margaret’s fingers felt cold. Today, three years later, she is about to complete her degree. She’s scoring 95% on her exams, and wrote this to me last Friday…. Continue Reading…