This one is often a shocker for people. But, as you can imagine, it’s a good thing for a divorce counselor, and especially a divorce mediator, to know. Things heat up. How long do you allow for them to cool off before you get back into discussions? Relationship expert John Gottman, Ph.D., writes about this in his book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. He starts the basics: Heart rate at rest for an average man is about 72 beats per minute (BPM), 82 for a woman. At about 80 BPM for a man or 90 BPM for a woman, he… Continue Reading…
August 17, 2019
“I have seen advocacy evidence introduced in … divorce and child custody cases,” writes Richard J. Gelles, Ph.D., Dean of the School of Social Policy & Practice at the University of Pennsylvania. [1] I cringe every time I hear this, as I know it compromises the ability of the finder of fact to actually find the facts and make an evidence-informed ruling. Writing for Family Court Review, Volume 45, Number 1 (January 2007), he is concerned about the issue of domestic violence “becoming little more than ‘Nine Factoids and a Mantra.’” This refers to specific precepts, mind you, laying claim… Continue Reading…
September 2, 2009
Sometimes the distribution of research can be as important or more so than its source. In this case, I’m referring to statistics in a chart titled “Divorce cause,” that’s part of the Lutheran Hour Ministries (Int’l Lutheran Laymen’s League) pamphlet titled, “Divorce: Practical ways to cope with the anger, loneliness, guilt, fear of divorce.” Distributed free of charge to parishioners through local Lutheran churches, here are the statistics they provide male versus female perspectives. females males Poor communication 69.7% 59.3% Basic unhappiness 59.9% 46.9% Incompatibility 56.4% 44.7% Emotional abuse 55.5% 24.7% Money problems 32.9% 28.7% Sexual problems 32.1% 30.2% Alcohol… Continue Reading…
November 27, 2004
Depression afflicts 9.5% of the U.S. population. [1] Now if you have a Judgment of Divorce entered this time of year, many friends will instinctually look out for signs of depression. But I’m going to ask that we open our eyes a good deal wider. [2] Beyond divorce, holidays alone can increase our stress levels to on-par with a job interview. Remember, the two years after divorce are a “crisis period.” And it takes the first 6 to 10 months of this for us to achieve a state nominally reminiscent of our lives before the divorce kettles started bubbling. To… Continue Reading…
November 19, 2004
“Harsh startups” — I avoid ’em as best I can, thanks to research from John Gottman. [1] That’s why the first session in my current Divorce Recovery Workshop started out with administrative and housekeeping items, just like all those before it. “Here’s my cell phone number for direct access between weekly meetings. Help yourself to beverages at any time during the presentation. If it’s dark outside when we close the meeting, I will walk you to your car….” Who could have seen that last remark as the humdinger it became this time? “How about if I walk you to your… Continue Reading…
November 12, 2004
Thus goes the succinct wisdom of Tom Arnold, playing the role of secret agent “Gib” in the 1994 Schwarzenegger blockbuster, True Lies. [1] “Do you dance, Ms. Skinner?” [2] But the “in”-“sanity” that’s really moving me here came some 31 years earlier. The first chapter in Mr. Arnold’s autobiography is titled, “Daddy, Did You Ever Have a Real Mommy?” Riveting pages describe his parents’ divorce. He was four years old. [3] It’s not a story for the faint of heart. Then again, divorce stories never are. And don’t let your guard down if you make it through this first “gut-wrenching”… Continue Reading…
October 28, 2004
It used to be that Las Vegas held the name brand in quick divorce. Sure, “love takes time,” but isn’t there some dot-com where people can double-click to delete it? Here in Michigan there is a minimum 60-day waiting period before a divorce can be granted. Perhaps euphemistically, this is commonly referred to as a “cooling off period.” Translation: “Time allotted to consider reconciliation.” [1] But is that all—? You don’t need to sell me on the rightness of your decision to divorce. I hear you when you say that your heart and mind have been moving unretreatingly down this… Continue Reading…