This, and what Bullies, Tyrants, and Impossible People labels “Silence,” exploits what almost seems to defy human nature in a lot of folks. [1-2] If you’re a “rescuer” or “care-taker,” then moments of seeming non-progress in divorce negotiations will likely cause you to feel compelled to rush-in with options, proposed solutions, and even adjustments to the substantively thought-out issues on which you prepared pre-meeting. At the very least, you’re succeptable to thinking you should explain yourself further. [3-6]. Conversely, the disciplined, quiet listener gains advantage. If you’re giving, they simply take in those moves on the negotiating line. If you’re… Continue Reading…
August 26, 2019
This one is often a shocker for people. But, as you can imagine, it’s a good thing for a divorce counselor, and especially a divorce mediator, to know. Things heat up. How long do you allow for them to cool off before you get back into discussions? Relationship expert John Gottman, Ph.D., writes about this in his book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. He starts the basics: Heart rate at rest for an average man is about 72 beats per minute (BPM), 82 for a woman. At about 80 BPM for a man or 90 BPM for a woman, he… Continue Reading…
August 25, 2009
Many churches that offer Divorce Recovery Workshops believe that an important later step in healing for individuals is for those individuals to actually facilitate break-out group discussions for a program they, themselves, have previously attended. The question is, how soon? In my experience, the answer is the same as what research has found best in waiting to date: One to three years after entry of your Judgment of Divorce. And, no, it is not appropriate to count periods of separation or prolongued litigation against this as “credit for time served.” There are simply too many things on which the newly-divorced… Continue Reading…
October 28, 2004
It used to be that Las Vegas held the name brand in quick divorce. Sure, “love takes time,” but isn’t there some dot-com where people can double-click to delete it? Here in Michigan there is a minimum 60-day waiting period before a divorce can be granted. Perhaps euphemistically, this is commonly referred to as a “cooling off period.” Translation: “Time allotted to consider reconciliation.” [1] But is that all—? You don’t need to sell me on the rightness of your decision to divorce. I hear you when you say that your heart and mind have been moving unretreatingly down this… Continue Reading…