Hand’s down, this is the tactic I’ve seen work most effectively in delivering on goals desired as divorce outcomes. At the same time, there’s an important reason why it is under-utilized and otherwise easily exposed by way of sloppy implementation. By definition, “goal setting” requires strategic thinking, prioritization, and discipline. All are rareties in the emotional milieu that instructs most divorce negotiations. The “red herring” approach requires identification of an issue that the other side will plausibly see as important to you, is a higher priority for them, and which, at the same time, you are ready to wholely or… Continue Reading…
September 3, 2019
This, and what Bullies, Tyrants, and Impossible People labels “Silence,” exploits what almost seems to defy human nature in a lot of folks. [1-2] If you’re a “rescuer” or “care-taker,” then moments of seeming non-progress in divorce negotiations will likely cause you to feel compelled to rush-in with options, proposed solutions, and even adjustments to the substantively thought-out issues on which you prepared pre-meeting. At the very least, you’re succeptable to thinking you should explain yourself further. [3-6]. Conversely, the disciplined, quiet listener gains advantage. If you’re giving, they simply take in those moves on the negotiating line. If you’re… Continue Reading…
August 31, 2019
In the area where I practice, divorce mediators may refer to this as your “Last, Best Offer.” [1] One of the ways in which this is manifest is by opposing counsel: “If you want us to meet for a possible divorce settlement, you’d better come with your last, best offer.” Okay, so what are your options once you get there if these are the terms? They are inviting you to say, “Take it or leave it.” In other words, if you come in with your “last, best offer,” and at any point give concessions after discussion, then your position is… Continue Reading…
August 26, 2019
This one is often a shocker for people. But, as you can imagine, it’s a good thing for a divorce counselor, and especially a divorce mediator, to know. Things heat up. How long do you allow for them to cool off before you get back into discussions? Relationship expert John Gottman, Ph.D., writes about this in his book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. He starts the basics: Heart rate at rest for an average man is about 72 beats per minute (BPM), 82 for a woman. At about 80 BPM for a man or 90 BPM for a woman, he… Continue Reading…
August 24, 2019
In the early 1980s, most of my consulting work was as what’s commonly called an “executive coach,” and in organizational design. The latter fundamentally means studying interactions between two or more individuals and developing means by which they can best function harmoniously, if not productively. As a result, I found myself in the offices of a lot of very tenured individuals who used The Art of War by Sun Tzu to evidence their toughness, associating their professions with bare-knuckled conflict. [1] The more predominant the display (and even elaborate their copy of this text), the less likely I found them… Continue Reading…
August 21, 2019
The downside of a “passionate” attachment is, of course, when there’s a need to detach. One of the instruments I’ve found useful in helping clients reality-check this challenge is called the “Passionate Love Scale.” It was developed some thirty years ago by psychologist Elaine Hatfield and sociologist Susan Sprecher. Instructions: Base each answer on a time when your feelings were most intense (as opposed to the point which drove your marriage to divorce). Every sentence will be answered with a number from 1 (not at all true) to 9 (definitely true). The higher the score, the more your feelings of… Continue Reading…
August 19, 2019
Be careful when an organizational structure advocates co-anything as a leadership construct. Some divorce support groups favor co-facilitated discussions, typically led by one man and one woman (unaffiliated), out of a perception that this supports a better balance in participation and improvements via same-gender connect-ability. I’ve also seen divorce mediations similarly managed. In fact, all the better if the co-mediators have little if any prior experience in even working together before-hand. The argument is that this provides for a purity of direction, solutions more driven from the bottom up. Potential bias is minimized. But at what cost? Everything has a… Continue Reading…
August 8, 2019
One of the ways I effectively use to challenge entrenched thinking about divorce is through engaging in not-readily-apparent discussion of similar paths. “A Taste of Armageddon” is frequently applicable to divorce process. It’s a story from the original Star Trek series where the Enterprise crew finds itself caught in the middle of a war between two neighboring planets. That war has been going on for five hundred years. [1-2] Curiously, however, there are no outward signs of this. No buildings destroyed. No casualties on the streets. No residual radiation to leave areas uninhabitable. Those “problems” were “solved” five centuries earlier…. Continue Reading…
September 5, 2009
Exodus 20 is immensely helpful in centering a Christian approach to divorce. Jesus Christ freed us from from our shortcomings here, of course. Romans 3:21-24. But “does this mean that we can forget about the law?” as Paul asks at Verse 31. Of course not. If someone claims, ‘I know God,’ but doesn’t obey God’s commands, that person is a liar and is not living in the truth. But those who obey God’s word truly show how completely they love Him. That is how we know we are living in Him. Commandment 8 reads: “You must not steal.” Exodus 20:15…. Continue Reading…