This one is often a shocker for people. But, as you can imagine, it’s a good thing for a divorce counselor, and especially a divorce mediator, to know. Things heat up. How long do you allow for them to cool off before you get back into discussions? Relationship expert John Gottman, Ph.D., writes about this in his book, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. He starts the basics: Heart rate at rest for an average man is about 72 beats per minute (BPM), 82 for a woman. At about 80 BPM for a man or 90 BPM for a woman, he… Continue Reading…
August 21, 2019
The downside of a “passionate” attachment is, of course, when there’s a need to detach. One of the instruments I’ve found useful in helping clients reality-check this challenge is called the “Passionate Love Scale.” It was developed some thirty years ago by psychologist Elaine Hatfield and sociologist Susan Sprecher. Instructions: Base each answer on a time when your feelings were most intense (as opposed to the point which drove your marriage to divorce). Every sentence will be answered with a number from 1 (not at all true) to 9 (definitely true). The higher the score, the more your feelings of… Continue Reading…
September 1, 2009
Are you hiding behind anger? In a pamphlet on divorce for Lutheran Hour Ministries, Jean-Marc Daignault validates what I’ve said for some time. Anger, she writes, “can be a creative force. It can stimulate us to confront unpleasant experiences. It can motivate us to action.” As professionals helping individuals with divorce, we also see the downside that it portends for people, what they can bring down upon themselves by improperly or excessively indulging it. Anger “can be a way to hide from something we’d rather not face. For example, if a man can blame his ex-wife for the breakup of… Continue Reading…
August 31, 2009
“Divorce: Practical ways to cope with the anger, loneliness, guilt, fear of divorce,” is a 1993 publication of Int’l Lutheran Layman’s League, “Lutheran Hour Ministries.” Picking up on what I last wrote in this Blog, let’s take a look at something author Jean-Marc Daignault, Director, Care Associates, wrote for this free pamphlet. In a section titled “Emotion,” Ms Daignault relates a vignette about a woman named “Tricia” who harbors anger and resentment toward her former husband. “‘I think it’s because he’s so inconsiderate,’ she explained. ‘Yesterday, for example, was our youngest daughter’s birthday. She waited all day for her father… Continue Reading…
August 20, 2009
Marital reconsiliation advocacy often cites Malachi 2:15 as a command. “Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His. And why one? Because He was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.” I believe this equally applies to wives regarding husbands. On January 28, 2008, Time magazine titled its “Annual Mind & Body Special Issue,” “The Science of Romance: Why we need love to survive.” [1-2] The lead article gets into chemistry and the use of functional magnetic resonance imagers (fMRIs) in… Continue Reading…
December 31, 2004
With less than half-a-day to go before 2004 expires, it seems that some people are becoming desperate to check boxes off their to-do lists. I’m sorry about that. Just this week, “Brenda” came in for her scheduled appointment with me on a post-divorce mediation. Her Judgment of Divorce was officially entered mid-February 2001 — although this merely capped off a process that had by then been in divorce court for almost two years. She met with a therapist every week during that time. In the end, the judge signed her divorce form and Brenda concluded her counseling a month or… Continue Reading…
November 27, 2004
Depression afflicts 9.5% of the U.S. population. [1] Now if you have a Judgment of Divorce entered this time of year, many friends will instinctually look out for signs of depression. But I’m going to ask that we open our eyes a good deal wider. [2] Beyond divorce, holidays alone can increase our stress levels to on-par with a job interview. Remember, the two years after divorce are a “crisis period.” And it takes the first 6 to 10 months of this for us to achieve a state nominally reminiscent of our lives before the divorce kettles started bubbling. To… Continue Reading…
November 19, 2004
“Harsh startups” — I avoid ’em as best I can, thanks to research from John Gottman. [1] That’s why the first session in my current Divorce Recovery Workshop started out with administrative and housekeeping items, just like all those before it. “Here’s my cell phone number for direct access between weekly meetings. Help yourself to beverages at any time during the presentation. If it’s dark outside when we close the meeting, I will walk you to your car….” Who could have seen that last remark as the humdinger it became this time? “How about if I walk you to your… Continue Reading…
November 8, 2004
With a spread titled, “Let’$ Make a Deal,” the latest Psychology Today asks: “Does a prenuptial agreement sow the seeds of divorce or provide a crash course in conflict resolution?” [1] Nice postscript to my November 3 blog. It’s a point/counter-point piece that strongly lays out both sides of the argument — but draws no conclusion. That’s still up to you. “Till Debt Do Us Part” is the cover feature. There’s also a fascinating bit of research out of the University of Warwick that puts dollar values on various elements of a “committed relationship.” “Touch,” for example, is worth $26,000… Continue Reading…