Many people post-divorce seem to feel compelled to say that they’re “still friends.” “Jonathan and David – Soul Friends,” is how The Message titles 1 Samuel 18. The text that follows begins with this paragraph. By the time David had finished reporting to Saul, Jonathan was deeply impressed with David — an immediate bond was forged between them. He became totally committed to David. From that point on he would be David’s number-one advocate and friend. Jonathan put himself at great risk for David, as we see, for example, in 1 Samuel 19:1-3. “A Covenant Friendship in God’s Name” compellingly… Continue Reading…
September 1, 2009
Are you hiding behind anger? In a pamphlet on divorce for Lutheran Hour Ministries, Jean-Marc Daignault validates what I’ve said for some time. Anger, she writes, “can be a creative force. It can stimulate us to confront unpleasant experiences. It can motivate us to action.” As professionals helping individuals with divorce, we also see the downside that it portends for people, what they can bring down upon themselves by improperly or excessively indulging it. Anger “can be a way to hide from something we’d rather not face. For example, if a man can blame his ex-wife for the breakup of… Continue Reading…
August 31, 2009
“Divorce: Practical ways to cope with the anger, loneliness, guilt, fear of divorce,” is a 1993 publication of Int’l Lutheran Layman’s League, “Lutheran Hour Ministries.” Picking up on what I last wrote in this Blog, let’s take a look at something author Jean-Marc Daignault, Director, Care Associates, wrote for this free pamphlet. In a section titled “Emotion,” Ms Daignault relates a vignette about a woman named “Tricia” who harbors anger and resentment toward her former husband. “‘I think it’s because he’s so inconsiderate,’ she explained. ‘Yesterday, for example, was our youngest daughter’s birthday. She waited all day for her father… Continue Reading…
August 25, 2009
Many churches that offer Divorce Recovery Workshops believe that an important later step in healing for individuals is for those individuals to actually facilitate break-out group discussions for a program they, themselves, have previously attended. The question is, how soon? In my experience, the answer is the same as what research has found best in waiting to date: One to three years after entry of your Judgment of Divorce. And, no, it is not appropriate to count periods of separation or prolongued litigation against this as “credit for time served.” There are simply too many things on which the newly-divorced… Continue Reading…
August 20, 2009
Marital reconsiliation advocacy often cites Malachi 2:15 as a command. “Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His. And why one? Because He was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.” I believe this equally applies to wives regarding husbands. On January 28, 2008, Time magazine titled its “Annual Mind & Body Special Issue,” “The Science of Romance: Why we need love to survive.” [1-2] The lead article gets into chemistry and the use of functional magnetic resonance imagers (fMRIs) in… Continue Reading…
December 31, 2004
With less than half-a-day to go before 2004 expires, it seems that some people are becoming desperate to check boxes off their to-do lists. I’m sorry about that. Just this week, “Brenda” came in for her scheduled appointment with me on a post-divorce mediation. Her Judgment of Divorce was officially entered mid-February 2001 — although this merely capped off a process that had by then been in divorce court for almost two years. She met with a therapist every week during that time. In the end, the judge signed her divorce form and Brenda concluded her counseling a month or… Continue Reading…
December 24, 2004
My uncle is probably getting ready to start his Christmas shopping right about now. From what he’s told me, it’s neither an avoidance nor a bargain-maximization thing. It’s an immersion process for him that feeds his Christmas Spirit. Divorced families will be adding miles to minivan odometers right alongside my dad’s brother, of course. I see from the Michigan Parenting Time Guideline, that nine o’clock tonight is recommended for these big holiday time parenting switches. [1] With a statewide Friend of the Court caseload of 697,506 custody matters, that’s reason enough for me to walk Mrs. Poyndexter’s Samoyed this evening…. Continue Reading…
November 27, 2004
Depression afflicts 9.5% of the U.S. population. [1] Now if you have a Judgment of Divorce entered this time of year, many friends will instinctually look out for signs of depression. But I’m going to ask that we open our eyes a good deal wider. [2] Beyond divorce, holidays alone can increase our stress levels to on-par with a job interview. Remember, the two years after divorce are a “crisis period.” And it takes the first 6 to 10 months of this for us to achieve a state nominally reminiscent of our lives before the divorce kettles started bubbling. To… Continue Reading…
November 19, 2004
“Harsh startups” — I avoid ’em as best I can, thanks to research from John Gottman. [1] That’s why the first session in my current Divorce Recovery Workshop started out with administrative and housekeeping items, just like all those before it. “Here’s my cell phone number for direct access between weekly meetings. Help yourself to beverages at any time during the presentation. If it’s dark outside when we close the meeting, I will walk you to your car….” Who could have seen that last remark as the humdinger it became this time? “How about if I walk you to your… Continue Reading…
November 16, 2004
With apologies to James Bond, I figured this bit of headline word play might make it easier to identify the current issue of BestLife you’ll be looking for — with Pierce Bosnan on the cover. [1-2] “Time of Your Life” is the page-turner inside. Oh, sure, nothing tops off a day at work like a spirited chase on hovercrafts through your local demilitarized zone. And we know from For Better or For Worse that “work” is one of the seven “protective factors” than can buffer us against negative outcomes after divorce. [3-4] One of seven. However, I think the Men’s… Continue Reading…