This is a tactic very commonly used to gain advantage in divorce negotiations.
In my practice, we call it “Man Out of the Room Syndrome.” [1]
Or, as Bullies, Tyrants, and Impossible People labels it, “Higher Authority.” [2]
The game moves like this. Ostensibly serious divorce settlement negotiations are undertaken between the two opposing sides, sometimes facilitated by a divorce mediator. The impetus is on building momentum and getting a deal done. To that end, you’re encouraged to give hard, because, after all, progress is being made, we’re here anyway — or some other argument that encourages you to taste the carrot of immanent resolution to your divorce and/or avoiding a divorce trial (specious as that threat obviously is).
Here’s the switch: “Okay, well, I’ll take this to <fill in the blank>, and let you know if we’ve got a deal.”
That blank can be your spouse’s attorney, if you’ve been dealing directly with your soon-to-be significant other. Or it could actually be your spouse, if they’ve pulled the red-flag ploy of sending their attorney to deal with you and your attorney to negotiate a divorce settlement, but inexplicably have not shown up to participate themselves.
Either way, the goal is to get you to go as far as possible, thus establishing that as your next minimum starting point.
This psychologically exploits you in two ways.
First, it causes you to believe this is your position, irrespective of its dependency on supposed concessions they’ve offered, value you’ll receive by way of inducement for it. Second, it leverages your desire “to be done with this and move on,” focusing you on short-term closure irrespective of long-term considerations.
Don’t confuse this with divorce mediation where neither party is represented with an attorney present during early stage negotiations. In this case, you are both on equal footing, with each of you having the same opportunity and encouragement to take the draft deal to your respective lawyers for review, feedback, and requests for changes.
The counter-move to Man Out of the Room Syndrome or the Higher Authority game is to ask up-front who has the ultimate decision-making authority here. Like the successful sales person queries, “If we can find the right terms today, can you sign-off on it before we close this meeting?”
If the answer is anything but yes (and be sure that you’ve asked the question clearly, and that it’s been answered clearly), then adjourn the meeting. The other side has already told you by their actions that they’re not serious about negotiating; they’re here to exploit you.
Walk out.
Or proceed at your own risk.
Off-Site References
“Game-playing in divorce negotiation: ‘Higher Authority’” / August 28, 2019 / Michigan Divorce Negotiation (accessed September 9, 2019)
- “Using ‘Higher Authority’ as a Negotiation Tactic” / May 31, 2022 / Inc (accessed September 9, 2024)
- Bullies, Tyrants, and Impossible People: How to Beat Them without Joining Them / 2007 / James M Dale, Mark A Jankowski, and Ronald M Shapiro (via Amazon, accessed August 12, 2024)