This, and what Bullies, Tyrants, and Impossible People labels “Silence,” exploits what almost seems to defy human nature in a lot of folks. [1-2]
If you’re a “rescuer” or “care-taker,” then moments of seeming non-progress in divorce negotiations will likely cause you to feel compelled to rush-in with options, proposed solutions, and even adjustments to the substantively thought-out issues on which you prepared pre-meeting. At the very least, you’re succeptable to thinking you should explain yourself further. [3-6].
Conversely, the disciplined, quiet listener gains advantage. If you’re giving, they simply take in those moves on the negotiating line. If you’re rationalizing, you’re providing defined arguments they can prepare to substantively attack later. [7]
Psychologically, since we’re talking about the intimacy of a marital breakdown here, you can count on your spouse being aware of this frailty on your part. Or, if they’ve done a good job in hiring professional advice (whether that be a lawyer, divorce coach, and/or consulting psychologist), their debrief on your marriage has led their expert to feed back to them an assessment of your vulnerability to this tactic.
My frequent advice to clients under these circumstances is to meet silence with silence. And if you’re accompanied by counsel, direct him or her to do the same: You’d be surprised by the number of folks paid by the hour who fail to appreciate situations where keeping their own lips sealed can portend far greater value than any word they might utter. [8-9]
After an interval that will seem naturally obvious to both sides, feel free to note that, unless they have anything more to say, you’re adjourning this discussion.
Why pay for their game?
Off-Site References
“Game-playing in divorce negotiation: ‘Passive-Aggressive’” / September 3, 2009 / Michigan Divorce Negotiation (accessed April 23, 2025)
- Bullies, Tyrants, and Impossible People: How to Beat Them without Joining Them / 2007 / James M Dale, Mark A Jankowski, and Ronald M Shapiro (via Amazon, accessed August 12, 2024)
- “Four Primary Negotiating Behaviors – Key Concepts in Negotiation” / August 5, 2020 / Management Courses – Mike Clayton (via YouTube, accessed April 23, 2025)
- “Are You Always Playing The ‘Rescuer’ In Relationships?” / November 28, 2021 / Alix Neeham
- “Are You The Rescuer In The Drama Triangle?” / March 1, 2017 / Tyler Rich / Richer Life Counseling
- “17 Signs You Are in a Caretaker Relationship & How to Cope” / July 15, 2024 / Rachael Pace / Marriage.com
- “Codependency: Are You Caretaking Or Caregiving?” / January 23, 2024 / Anna Drescher / Simply Psychology
- “The Power Of Silence: Negotiating Tactics Used By Top Tech Leaders” / September 29, 2023 / Steve Taplin / Forbes
- “Dear Negotiation Coach: When Silence in Negotiation is Golden” / March 5, 2025 / Harvard Law School, Program on Negotiation
- “Silence: the Secret Negotiation Tactic for Virtual Assistants” / October 17, 2023 / Erin Booth | Virtual Assistant Coach (via YouTube)