In the early 1980s, most of my consulting work was as what’s commonly called an “executive coach,” and in organizational design. The latter fundmantally means studying interactions between two or more individuals and developing means by which they can best function harmoneously.
As a result, I found myself in the offices of a lot of very tenured individuals who used The Art of War by Sun Tzu to evidence their toughness, associating their professions with bare-knuckled conflict. [1]
The more predominant the display (and even elaborate their copy of this text), the less likely I found them to be strategic in thinking or successful in ultimate outcomes. Sadly here, we had merely a book to be judged by its cover.
For those who actually read The Art of War, they’re often surprised by its advocacy of solving problems early, when they are small. Acting with subtlety. Truly understanding “the problem” before fighting. In my practice as both a divorce counselor and a domestic relations mediator, I’ve found these writings to be among the most valuable, the most immediately applicable.
Consider the following:
Leadership is a matter of … trustworthiness, humaneness, … Discipline means organization, chain of command, and logistics.
Are you aware that you are actually the one responsible for your approach to your divorce? How, then, have those upon whose advice you will depend earned your trust?
Use anger to throw them into disarray. Draw them in with the prospect of gain ….
Surely someone has counseled you on the role of psychology in divorce, right? Cast a skeptical eye on any “advice” that pushes your buttons apart from any clear substance in reason for direction.
Do not stop an army on its way home. A surrounded army must be given a way out.
Over the years I’ve been helping folks work to accomplish positive solutions to marital struggles, this point is the one that most often compromises people. It speaks to those who cannot be satisfied merely by having their goals met, but, rather, must also, additionally, see some great loss on the part of their opponent (read, “their former lover”).
Those whose words are humble while they increase war preparations are going to advance …. Those who come seeking peace without a treaty are plotting.
Powerful words for the divorce mediator and individuals seeking to negotiate divorce settlements on their own. Nothing is without risk. And even the great tool of self-advocacy by way of professionally-facilitated divorce mediation is succeptable to corruption, compromised by ulterior motives if not exposed.
Just imagine the value of using this book as more than something merely to be judged by its cover!
Off-Site References
Use, rather than display, ‘The Art of War’ in divorce” / August 24, 2019 / Michigan Divorce Mediation (accessed September 9, 2024)
- The Art of War / May 1, 2014 / Sun Tsu (via Amazon, accessed August 10, 2024)